As the end of 2024 comes to a close, I thought I’d share my lack luster dating wrap sheet for this year.
This year I have had a total of: 1 Relationship, 1 Breakup, 5 Dates and 1 Situationship
And I am ending the year with 0 prospects. As unhinged as I am feeling, I decided that I wont dox anyone, however, I am using what I think are hilarious nicknames that may or may not be identifiable if you did enough digging. Our dating contestants are: Museum girl, Brazilian Wax, German Chocolate Cake, Pillsbury Doughboy and JP Vance.
Top Boy of the Year: German Chocolate Cake
Worst Date: Also German Chocolate Cake
Best Kiss: Brazilian Wax
Shortest Duration: JP Vance
Blacklisted: Ethan
Lets start with my relationship. Picture this: It’s January 1st at 12:01 AM at some downtown bar in Wilmington, North Carolina and you just kissed the love of your life after the ball dropped. All was well until you later found out that the “romantic getaway” your boyfriend planned for you was with the help of the woman (who I should mention was his 40+ year old MARRIED co-worker) he was cheating on you with. Here’s the kicker— she was originally from Wilmington and planned the fucking itinerary. Betrayal isn’t a good enough word for how I felt. This was the person I’ve spent the last four years with and who I thought I’d see at the end of the aisle on my wedding day. After a few months of depression, listening to Olivia Rodrigo on repeat and eating my weight in chicken tenders and fries- I decided it was time to put myself back out there.
Museum Girl
I matched with an artsy brown girl on Hinge and she asked me out on a date - I said yes. Lets call her Museum Girl. She was your typical art student with an edge, kind of in a manic pixie dream girl kind of way. Museum Girl was everything I wasn’t but also everything I was? We are both Geminis so I was like she was the other side of me. I was more “clean girl” aesthetic with a touch of rigidity (I blame being a virgo rising) and she was so fluid and exuded creativity. We instantly connected and not in a lesbian U-Haul way, but she just felt like a breath of fresh air. I wanted it to work, I really did. I just.. couldn’t. I could see how much she was trying but I was far too emotionally unavailable to receive it. We went out on a few dates before she inevitably broke things off with me when there was a clear emotional disconnect between the two of us. I can’t really blame her for it. I do still think of her for a mere second every time I pass by the museum and wonder how she’s doing.
Brazilian Wax
At this point I was sad, touch deprived and hadn’t worn real pants in months. I went cold turkey, no contact with my ex and I decided to doom scroll on Hinge again just to feel something. The tarot card readers said that I was going to meet someone new so this felt like the sign I needed when I matched with Brazilian Wax. He was the best two weeks I’ve ever had. You know how they say emotionally unavailable people go after other unavailable people? Well he told me during our date that he was going back to Rio to visit then was “probably moving” in a few weeks once he came back. You’re really just going to drop a bomb on me like that? Right in front of my salad? Selfish. Manipulative. Fucking Virgo. And I fear I wanted him real bad after that. I don’t know if it was the sound of Brazilian Wax’s accent, his height or smile that was going straight to my.. yeah.. but I was like “I can change his mind.” Challenge accepted. He worked remote and moved around because he “wanted to travel the world” and I don’t know why the red flags back then looked so pink. He loved bombed the hell out of me and I knew it too, but I ate up every second of it. The best date is the one before the guy ghosts you. Our two week love affair came to an end when he started texting less and was just so busy with the move.
German Chocolate Cake
Clearly I hadn’t learned my lesson about staying away from foreign men because I found myself making out on the couch with a boy a few weeks later. German Chocolate Cake was a friend of a friend. It was a cool summer night, and I got invited to a baseball game with some friends and decided to go for the aesthetic of it all. We decided to meet up for food beforehand where I had a panic attack in the parking lot. I was just getting ready to go home until I saw him. I had no clue who he was or that he was even invited, but suddenly I forgot my anxiety all together. German Chocolate Cake was just my type - tall, curly hair, brown eyes, tan and bonus points an accent. We were taking turns glancing at each other the whole time we were at the restaurant. I was trying to be all cutesy by eating my burger and fries modestly when in reality I was fucking starving. Fast forward to after the baseball game, I decided to throw a little get together with everyone at my apartment so we all split up temporarily to get alc and snacks. He asked if he could ride with me back to my place and I swear I felt like I had just won a gold medal. We chatted and flirted during the ride there and just when I thought we’d get a little alone time, his friends pull up to my apartment. How sick and twisted! As the night went on, we grew more distant as we were engaging with everyone else that was there. I noticed he was consistently talking to some blonde girl and he was instantly added to my shit list. I guess I shouldn’t always jump to conclusions because she was trying to set he and I up the whole time. I guess it all ended up going to according to plan because after everyone else left, he stayed put on my couch and the rest is history. We saw each other for the rest of the summer until the one night that changed everything. I hadn’t seen him in a while because he went to Germany to visit family so we decided to go on a date when he came back. It was so awkward. Something just wasn’t clicking. His mood was off, I was feeling off, the chicken in my taco bowl was dry and the cultural difference was at an all time high. I was trying to save face by using some of my witty banter or sarcasm, but I guess it wasn't translating how I’d hoped. After the date, we went on the most silent walk of my life and I immediately knew it was over. At the end of it all, I wondered how the hell did I end up in a situationship in the first place. The icing on the cake is that we share a mutual friend so I am forced to be cordial with him during social events while he flirts with other girls right in front of me (to answer your question, yes he’s a Gemini). But I promise I’m not as salty as I sound (at least not anymore).
Pillsbury Doughboy
After everything with German Chocolate, it left me a bit jaded and I swore off men again. It was working until ovulation had me gnawing at my enclosure and here I was swiping on hinge. Hello darkness, my old friend. It honestly was kind of a blur and I forgot that I matched with this guy until he sent me a message. I would like to introduce, Mr. Pillsbury Doughboy. Pillsbury was sweet, a virgo, and obviously had a secure attachment style but something was missing.. the attraction. He wasn’t ugly by any means but he wasn’t my type and my friend’s agreed. He ended up asking me to go on a coffee date, which normally I’d say no to, but the stakes felt low and it was Halloweekend so I did it for the plot. I begrudgingly went although I was bargaining with my best friend with reasons not to go on the way there. I took some deep breaths, rolled my eyes and screamed then made my way inside. To my surprise, he was actually so adorable. Like cute, in motion.. ya know? The date went well, nothing really exciting to note. That night, we ended up going out to the bar in the same area and he ended up walking over to see me. He met my friends, he was being so sweet and I was so giddy the rest of the night. I suddenly could it? A possible future maybe?
He asked me out on another date that never ended up happening then broke things off politely on Election Day right after I got off work. Oh you know I went off. I wasn’t upset that he had decided to call it quits. He had just gotten out of a 4 year relationship a few months ago and I noticed he never deleted their pictures. He told me he wasn’t ready to put himself out there again and I can respect that. He got chewed out because READ THE ROOM?! You’re really going to have the audacity to text ME, a black woman.. ON ELECTION DAY WHEN A BLACK WOMAN JUST LOST? Jail immediately. What I said to him was a bit harsh, I debated on adding in a screenshot but not for free. I did end up apologizing to him a few weeks later after I saw him out (he looked so good too I fear).
JP Vance
Lastly, I’d like for you all to meet Mr. Nice Guy. Mr. JP Vance. I haven’t actually met this guy in person but I deemed this story worthy enough to note. JP Vance is a Leo, a lobbyist and works in D.C., the red flags were there but I made excuses since he seemed so sweet and nerdy. Surprise, surprise, we matched on Hinge and he asked me out on a date. He didn’t realize that I wasn’t D.C. too until I mentioned it, but said that he’d like to meet me anyway and would just come to me. I, of course, thought this was so sweet in the moment but now it’s lightweight love bombing. He proceeded to tell me that he was leaving to go to Hong Kong for the next 3 weeks but planned to see me when he returned. I wasn’t thrilled to hear the news but I really wanted to see it through. We chatted all day and night for the next week and even talked on the phone while he waited at the airport. I’ll admit, I was smitten despite never meeting him. He told me that he liked me and I ate that shit up. I should have known it was all too good to be true because JP started pulling away after he left. I know what you’re thinking, he’s in another country.. maybe he doesn’t have service? Maybe he’s just busy? ERRRNT. Wrong. The little shit was uploading every day on Instagram and watched my stories consistently but never checked in. He didn’t even tell me Merry Christmas. My ego could not take another hit so I unfollowed him on everything and I’m sure he’ll get the picture. So, that was the end of that.
Note to self: Never trust a Leo Man
If I’ve learned anything during my time of dating in 2024, it was to stay off the fucking apps and I hope you all do too. Did I just type that out knowing that Hinge is still on my phone? Yes. Do I still expect you to take my advice? Absolutely. I am determined to bounce back after taking multiple L’s this year. My horoscope says that my dating life is going to flourish so I guess its only up from here. If not, fuck it we ball and I’ll have more stories to come.
Happy New Year <3